| "But whenever you pray, go into your room
and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret;
and your Father who sees in secret
will reward you. Matthew 6: 6 NRSV."
In the weeks following September 11, we spent lots of time in
our prayer rooms. This has been my most difficult time to pray. I feel such consuming anger about what happened on September 11, and when
I pray, my anger is right there in me. How do you pray when you can't.
ANGER
Some years ago there came a little book entitled, "Can I Hate
God?" The answer offered is that it is better to get negative feelings
out rather than pretend they are not present, or try to subdue or ignore
them. Instead of leaving them inside where they can fester, offer them
up in prayer.
The clincher was that "God can handle your hate better than you
can."God can handle our anger, even when we are praying.
EMPTINESS
Since "911," when I’m in my prayer room, I often feel empty. No words
are adequate. Prayer is so difficult. Since I no longer have words,
I ask God to give me a word.
The word I've been given is "Presence": God’s presence with me in this
hurtful time; my presence to God; our presence, together, in the world;
our presence to others. How do you pray when you can’t?
MEMORIES
There is one dreadful memory that keeps popping up when I wish to pray—and
at other times during the day. I see the image of the twin towers engulfed
in smoke as they begin to crumble with all of those people inside. It
is a haunting memory. I suppose that picture will always be with me,
and perhaps I should not pray that the memory be erased.
I have been praying for God to heal that dreadful memory. I pray that
some of the sting be taken from it so I can live with it. There is great
value in praying for the healing of memories.
FORGIVENESS
It is so difficult to pray for a spirit of forgiveness for these evil
acts. I can pray for justice to rain down upon those men,
but for me to be able to forgive what they did—I am not there yet.
Three years ago I wrote a document on The Anatomy of Forgiveness: "How
Do I Forgive When I Can’t?" I had no idea that it would be
so prophetic for the situation I am now facing. Although I can’t
forgive yet, I do pray that some day God will give me the mystical power
to forgive. How do you pray when you can’t?
SILENCE
Now, when I am in my prayer room—whether kneeling, walking, sitting,
or driving—I am often aware of profound silence. No words. No images.
No thoughts. Silence!
Silence in prayer is not non-prayer. Silence is often my most profound
experience of prayer, when there are no words to speak, no petitions
seem adequate, no intercessions are complete enough! There is nothing but silence!
At such times, I think of Father Robert, a Benedictine monk who sits
in silence before the Blessed Sacrament for long periods each day. His
vocation is prayer and his prayer is frequently the "prayer of silence."
When we asked
why he prays like this he said, "I have but one ambition in my
life. I want to grow old loving God."When I find there is nothing but deep, deep, silence in me,
I eventually wish to pray, "I want to grow old loving God."
To pray or not to pray, is not the question. How do we pray when we
can’t?, might be the most important question we ever ask about
prayer. We may take a lifetime to answer, and that question may deepen
our prayer life more than any other.
Homily, by Danny E. Morris at
Grace United Methodist Church
on October 2, 2001. |
